Museford has a population of several hundred-thousand people, living in a wide range of neighbourhoods.

The poorest areas are the council estates and tower blocks in the east, near the industrial zone, the docks by the Muse river and the old Teddy bear and Pancake factory. Many mayors have pledged to revitalise the area, but none have fulfilled their promises.

Slightly more upmarket are the leafy semi-detached suburbs in the north and south-central areas, including Greenville and Musechester. These still retain some of the character of the villages they once were before being swallowed up by the growing urban centre. Just next to the B45 trunk road lies the gleaming Museford Cheese-Marketing-Board International Stadium.

Other points of interest include the Museford Firestation, with its original 1920s eight man pump, the Museford City Police HQ (New Finland Yard), the Museford City University campus, and the Pleasant Palace old people's home.

Moving towards the southwest you can find the cobbled streets, quaint shops and grand townhouses of historic Museford, starting from near the river and the city park, and curving up towards the Protest Plaza and city hall, as well as Forgetmenot Hill, the most exclusive address in the city.

“We're sending grampa to PP.”

“Look, it could be worse, at least we have bingo.”

An optimistically-named retirement home for modest living, Pleasant Palace is located in the Greenville area of Museford and boasts a climbing wall and a sensory garden.

“Come study at Museford City University (MCU), a welcoming and supportive environment nestled in the historic city of Museford and ranked 84th in the South of England!”

Museford's leading institute of Higher Education, formerly Museford Polytechnic, may not be the highest-achieving university, but its students seem happy and occasionally even studious, and it is the only university in Britain to offer a BA in Lacemaking and Advanced Embroidery.

The most notable feature on its campus is the Leaning Tower of Astronomy, a 324 metre high spiral shaped stone tower with a large antique telescope on the top. It would be even taller were it not for the fact that penny pinching for the foundations caused it to lean at an alarming 4.7 degrees to the right.

Announcer: “We're here live at the Museford CMB International Stadium for the Premier League Final between the Wolverhampton Wolves and the home team … yes its the Museford Manateeeeees! Now are you ready to play some CROQUET?!!!“

Crowd: “WOOOOOOO!”

This is Museford's top sports arena, able to seat up to 25,000 fans with a view of its perfectly manicured professional standard Croquet Lawn (occasionally other less popular sports are played off-season, like football and Lawn Darts).

The home arena of Museford's beloved pro-croquet team, the Manatees, Sunday matches always draw huge crowds, and the stadium is crowded with vendors selling Manetee T-shirts, hot dogs, pancakes, slices of cheese and crackers, and miniature branded Croquet mallets. Manatees fans affectionately refer to it as “The Swamp”, and Manny the Manatee, the team mascot, is a popular highlight for younger fans.

Since its construction 50 years ago with funding from the wealthy Hardcastle family, it has been sponsored by the Cheese Marketing Board (“You can't spell Croquet without Cheese!”). However there are rumours of a new sponsor in the wings.

The Universe is 46 billion light years wide, which is possibly a few miles longer than your morning commute every morning, though it may not always seem like it. — Douglas Adams

Defying logic and trends from the rest of the country, these trains consistently run well and on time, and the conditions are sanitary and accessible. Tickets are available at a discount to Museford citizens. The system was pioneered by Helena Price, a woman famously enthusiastic about trains.

Jack “Boots” Forrester (he/him): Former Detective Inspector and psychic investigator for the Museford police, retired. Now, aged 87, he lives at the Retirement Home where he's never seen without his trademark cigars and the sharp wit and insight that got him so far in his career. He now uses a wheelchair and is a very active participant in the home's weekly Cluedo game.

Professor Portia Portentia Strange (she/her): Van Burke Chair of Astronomy, Archaeology, Anthropology and Advanced Aeronautics at the University. A florid woman in every sense, she has a fondness for wearing frock coats trimmed with traditional Museford lace.

Clio (any): A large yellow Labrador retriever who is the official Chancellor of MCU.

Chad Donovan (he/him): Chisel-jawed Captain of the Museford Manetees who led them to victory at the Premier League tournament two years ago, his image decorates bedroom posters of young croquet fans across the city. Subject to rumours and some criticism after he admitted to using psychic therapy to train, a possible Croquet Standards violation¹⁾. He was also said to be in dispute with the team over the new sponsorship deal. In his spare time he is known to volunteer at the Head and Heart Hospital. Engaged to singer and actress Veronica de Virve.

Wendy Schlaupenhauser (she/her) A tall woman who was a highly rated hoop-guard²⁾ back in her playing days, she is now team manager of the Museford Manetees. Years of shouting instructions across the pitch have given her a rather loud voice.

Helena Price (she/her): Originally from Wales, Helena moved to Museford on contract to design the Synapse Transit System, Helena famously loves trains, but found little success as a conductor. She now happily manages the electricity.